When Lisa Met Paulie: It Didn’t Happen, But It Was Awesome

This is a silly, nonsensical story about my fictional meeting with @thisispaulie.  For those of you not familiar with @thisispaulie, he is the very ridiculously funny alter ego of the talented writer Sarah E. Melville.  If you haven’t had the pleasure of connecting with either one of them, I highly recommend you do (psst, I provided links below for both of them…yay!!).  I promise that both will provide you with endless entertainment.

To help those of you who aren’t already connected with Paulie understand him better, I have provided various links throughout my story that I hope you will find uplifting and educational…NOT, but still, they will be entertaining.

Connect with Sarah on her blog and on twitter.

Paulie can be found lurking about on twitter and his own blog as well.  Warning: you may need a clean pair of pants nearby when talking to him.  Yeah, he’s so funny you’ll piss your pants…hey, at least I warned you.

Without further ado, here is my silly little tale:

The rain was coming down hard, but I wasn’t ready yet. Standing outside the tall blue apartment building, I looked up at his window. The light was on and there didn’t seem to be any obvious movement inside.

“God, come on Lisa, you can do this.” A good pep talk always helped, right?

In my hand I held a package of staples and a bag. I know, I know, you are probably wondering why the fuck I have staples with me. You see, Paulie and I have this thing for them. Kinda one of the reasons we bonded and all. In the bag was a bottle of tequila and some candy. I promised him I would bring some over, you know, so we could chill.

A splash of cold wetness hit me from behind. “Fuckity fuck fuck fuck!”

Apparently standing on the curb in the middle of a downpour hadn’t been the wisest of ideas. A large delivery truck had driven by and splashed a shit load of crappy dirty water allover me. Great. This was exactly how I wanted to look for our first meeting.

Somehow I was able to finally move one foot in front of the other as I inched my way towards the entrance of the building and lobby.

I chuckled to myself as I remembered all the convos we had shared online. Oh, didn’t I tell you? That’s where we met initially. Yeah, I can’t remember what he was talking about when I met him, maybe about how his cat Boxie’s shit smells up his apartment or how his ribs were hurting, but anywho that was where we first connected.

So, 3 months, 4 days and 11 hours later I was standing in front of his door and I could HEEEAARR him!!!!

“You cock-sucking piece of dick shit. Fuck. God dammit all to hell. Oh you wanna be a little bitch do you?”

Yup, that was my Paulie. It was all I could do to suppress the laughter gurgling up in me. See, this was why he HAD to be my soul mate. I mean who wouldn’t want to chill with someone that awesome?

Taking in a deep breath, I reached out and pounded on his door. No response. I waited and pressed my ear to it. All I could hear were grumbles, laced with more profanities somewhere in the back of the apartment.

I tapped on the door again. A little harder this time.

“FUUUUUUCK YOOUUU! I’m coming already.”

I giggled and yelled at the door. “Paulie, it’s me!”

“Who the fuck is me? Is that your real name? God, are selling shit? Cause I don’t want any.”

“No, silly. It’s Lisa, you know, from online!”

The door flew open and there he was. He was taller than I had expected and actually quite cute. A little disheveled looking, but cute.

“Hey!!! Here, do you think you could take this down to the dumpster real quick for me?” A large puff of smoke escaped his mouth when he spoke.

He had been smoking pot. He shoved a white plastic grocery bag into my arms. It was filled with cat shit. Nice.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Go take it down already.” He shooed me off and slammed the door shut.

I smiled at the closed door, somewhat awkwardly, turned around and made my way back downstairs. What a strange way to greet someone, but hey, this was Paulie.

A few moments later, I returned. He must have heard me walking up the steps, because he opened the door before I could even knock.

“Hey! Thanks for that. Sorry. Did you bring me something? I like it when people bring me shit. I’ve had a hella lot of coffee today!!! WEEEE! Oh and did you piss your pants, because, um, well, you kinda look like shit.”

I grimaced and look down at myself. Sigh. He was right, I did look like shit.

“Um, delivery truck splashed me while I was standing outside.”

“Right. Whatever. Come in. Did you see I dressed up for you? I’m actually wearing pants!!”

I walked inside. It actually didn’t smell, well, at least not as bad as one would have thought. I was relieved. The apartment wasn’t perfectly organized or clean, but it suited him. An organized mess, if you will. I felt something wrap around my legs. It was Boxie. She was exactly how I had expected her to be: a little stinky, snugly and awesome.

“Here pussy pussy pussy.” Paulie summoned Boxie away from me.

“Oh you didn’t have to, she was okay.”

“Yeah, you say that until she sticks her little bitchass daggers of claws into you. Soooooo, can I see what you have in the bag?”

“Close your eyes.”

He did and put his hands out. I decided to put the package of staples into his hands first. I knew he would be super duper excited to have them.

“Okay, you can open them now.”

“God dammit woman. I don’t need any more staples.” He sighed heavily and added them to the large stack of staples in the back corner of the living room, mumbling something about how he wondered if I actually understood English.

When he turned to face me again, I held out the tequila and candy for him.

“Now that is what I’m talking about, you are the WOOOOMAAAAN!”

He snatched the tequila, grabbed two shot glasses and made his way over to the couch. For the next several hours we talked about broken shower heads, bosses who eat chicken salad and the fact that tomato paste is actually not a good substitute for glue.

I seem to remember him dancing around at one point with Boxie attached to his balls with her claws. It was an all-around good time had by all, at least until the tequila took over and everything went black.

A horn blaring outside woke me. My head was pounding. I looked around and saw that I was snuggled up in my own bed, a half-empty bottle of tequila on my nightstand from the night before. I chuckled to myself as I thought about Paulie. I hadn’t actually met him, but all the same, it had still been awesome.

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5 thoughts on “When Lisa Met Paulie: It Didn’t Happen, But It Was Awesome

  1. That was pretty funny. Is this the real you shining through? If so, you are one interesting lady. You really could write some stuff with this voice, though you might have to tone down a little. You know how things go. Even fight club didn’t cuss a lot. But you have the angst and attitude, and the off the wall realism of some odd relationships. The fact that this kind of guy works opposite you makes you that much more interesting and odd to figure out. Nice story and quick.

    Draven Ames

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