Chapter 1 ~ A Thirty-Something Girl

The sun is bright and hot, and the world seems far too happy for me to be in it. I fumble with my purse looking for my pack of cigarettes. There. I found it. The box feels light and I wonder if it’s empty, and hope to hell it’s not. I flip the lid back and find two left. My lucky day. An odd sensation crawls over the surface of my face, and I realize I’m attempting to smile for the first time in forever. But this momentary joy fades quickly, and I find myself once again trapped in my never-ending thoughts.

The cigarette hangs loosely from my lips. I take a long drag, watching the tip glow as I suck down the heavenly toxins. I’m standing on my tiptoes at the edge, my hands wrapped tightly around the railing, my body draped recklessly over it. It’s an early summer evening, the street below is bustling, and I wonder if anyone will care if I jump. If anyone will notice, or if they will just step over the hapless remnants of my existence and go about their day.

My purse vibrates. It’s them calling. I’m late. I know I need to tell them tonight. To expose myself and share the pain with them. Ask them for help, for guidance, for support. And I wonder if I’ll be strong enough to survive telling them the truth, but then again, I wonder if I can survive another day of them not knowing.

I slap that “everything’s perfect” smile on my face and make my way down the busy street, and along the way if you listen carefully, you can hear it splash and hit the ground as I move – it’s despair – and it pours from me, flooding out any possibility of happiness. No one seems to notice it sloshing about, but I do. And it’s all I can do not to drown in it.

A young man with a body that screams fuck me brushes my shoulder, and as he passes by, gives me a nod and a wink. For a brief moment, I escape my cocoon of sorrow and let myself smile for real. And I think, maybe it’s all going to be okay. Maybe hidden under the dark and heavy layers of despair and doubt lies a shred of Hope.

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29 thoughts on “Chapter 1 ~ A Thirty-Something Girl

  1. Wow. You have no idea what I felt when I read this. Like looking in a mirror. Especially after the day I had. You put into words what I felt the entire day. Love you, love your writing.

    • Awww you completely made my day, thank you so much for your very kind comment. This story is very personal for me and I’m enjoying writing it so far. Thanks for reading darlin!

  2. All right, I am really hungry now after that little tidbit. You have really made me want to know MORE. I also was vicariously with her on so many levels. You can tap into emotions amazingly well. I know you’re a writer that is you job but not everyone can do it with the strength of your writing. Good show.



  3. You surely know how to leave us hanging in the wind guessing what the secret is and how they are going to react. I want MORE please.

  4. This is really interesting. I definitely want to know more about her, though I feel from her descriptions that she doesn’t want me to know, somehow. It does feel like part of a larger piece, so that makes sense. The vision of despair splashing out of her is fascinating.

    I’m not sure about the present tense. It made it a bit difficult to follow. Maybe that wouldn’t be a problem in the longer piece.

    • Awww thank you, darlin! Hopefully I get to chat with ya this weekend. Thanks again for reading and I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  5. Pingback: Candles, Cake and Kleenex «

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